Product Review: Masturbation to Fifty Shades
Don’t bite your lip, Anastasia Steele!
Goods Received: Fifty Shades of Cray Cray
Cost to Sponsored Lady: $0, found on Internet
Payment to Sponsored Lady: -$500 in income loss due to live-tweeting the experience of reading
Let it first be plainly said, your reviewer is an enormous fan of wanking.
Arithmetic might be of help in reckoning the total number of times I have seasoned my fish. It is of no help, however, in extending that sum. Whatever the figure, it’s a lot. So much, in fact, that I sometimes run out of material with which to scratch the patch.
Therefore, it was with private hope I began the Fifty Shades trilogy; a BDSM blockbuster aimed at persons of my demographic who had run out of things to fluff their faps. Or, to use the language of the works, things to amuse themselves “down there”.
Always eager to deposit in the spank-bank, I picked up a stray copy of E L James’ strange shame left lying carelessly on the floor of the Internet. This should be good for a fiddle, I thought.
No stranger to vertical pleasure – nor to porn depicting edge-play – I prepared, as often I have before, to wank at my personal computer. Viz. I popped on some elasticised trousers and closed the curtain. Yes. The romance of self-love is dead.
It was during the first chapter that a clamp shut down my “down there”. Possibly for good. This is not even literary snobbery. This is my broken vagina talking. Fifty Shades constitutes not only a failure to use the alphabet; it is a collapse of all my climactic hope.
I do not understand how this “writing” is stirring to any organ save for the human gastrointestinal tract. This is not erotic so much as it is emetic. This is felt as soon as we learn the name for our heroine: Anastasia Steele.
Anastasia MotherFucking Steele; this is a name rich in sugar-vomit. Even Harlequin genre-romance disposed of this absurd taxonomy years ago. Why not just call her Jiggles St Faire or Cans McNally or Lady Vag Sponge-Worthington for all the veracity this stupid fucking joke-name lends to the text? And, if that were not sufficient nonsense, Steele’s room-mate, an aberration outstanding for being no sort of narrative device at all, is named Katherine Kavanagh.
Please note, the revulsion I feel for this “writing” is not based in morality. I believe BDSM practise to be both entirely legitimate and enormous fun. But as a novice Bottom, I can detect some very false notes and as a Queer, I am terribly annoyed by the way in which the taste for edge-play is seen as some sort of disorder.
Plus, as an English speaker, I just really want to hurt myself.
Yes, BDSM is medicalised in this awful book to which no learned eye should ever be affixed. The titular dom Christian Grey – oh, I know, why didn’t she just call him Cockington Jizz-Bisning – enjoys “dirty” sex only because he is, according to the text, “Fifty Shades of Fucked Up”.
Grey likes bondage because he is damaged by abuse; the heroine likes it chiefly because CHIRISTIAN GREY IS SUCH AN AWESOMLEY HOT GUY, WHOA. This is a topsy-turvy world where awesome turns to adverb and BDSM turns to sickness.
As with any consensual sexual practise, bondage is not evidence of a disease. Conversely, WANKING TO THIS BOOK IS EVIDENCE OF A DISEASE. “You’re very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can’t wait to be inside you.” I urge anyone who masturbated to this sentence to seek immediate medical aid. Medical aid and a copy of Strunk & White.
You will find no grist to the gynaecological mill in this place. That so many women have ground their corns into maize can only be evidence that my sex life is much, much spicier than I had previously thought.
Anyone even casually acquainted with actual sex will not be shocked into arousal by the, say, four or five extended pornographic scenes of the first volume. At one point, Billionaire Christian Grey and Jaunty Submissive Anastasia Steele violate State health and safety codes by fornicating at an International House of Pancakes. Then, there’s a bit of spanking and an unfulfilled promise of anal.
I did a word search of Part 2 – AKA Fifty Shades of Grade School Grammar – and the word “anal” appears just twice. DAMN YOU ANASTASIA STEELE! I was promised sodomy. I’m calling the bum-sex ombudsman if it doesn’t happen soon. But after one-and-a-half-volumes, whoa, I can’t go on. I’m afraid I’m done not being offended with this work.
Oh, there is one carnal thing that really did appal me; so big ups to you for that, Missus James. In a scene that depicts a little-known peccadillo, Christian Grey “sensuously” removes our plucky heroine’s sanitary-wear.
“He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet.” Sensuously.
What do we even call this? Kotex-play? Of course, like nearly everyone, I’ve had a bit of crime-scene sex and regretted it only in the laundry. But eroticising the actual tampon? I thought only Crown Princes were permitted to do that. But, to quote our protagonist, “whoa…is this really happening?”. Apparently it is. Jeez. Whoa. HOLY MOLY.
We have bad sex and we have an entirely embarrassing Thomas Hardy leitmotif. Just as Michael Cunningham won the Pulitzer with his nod to Mrs Dalloway, James wins my Grand Prix de scorn with her lumbering references to Tess of the d’Urbervilles. Co-ed Anastasia Steele is a Literature major, dontcha know.
A Literature major whose specialty is the Nineteenth Century novel; which makes her prose all the more confounding littered, as it is with ellipses, unforgivable repetition and the word “whoa”.
Whoa. Please consider this soil sample from the poison tundra of Shades “My mouth goes dry and desire blooms in my body… whoa.” Whoa appears 17 times. In Part One of the Popular Bondage & Delicatessen series, the word “jeez” appears 81 times.
Jeez, could I feel any more self-conscious? Jeez, he remembers how I like my tea. Jeez, I’m a quivering, moist mess, and he hasn’t even touched me.
THESE ARE ALL ACTUAL SENTENCES WRITTEN BY AN ACTUAL HUMAN WOMAN. Our Anastasia is impenitent also in her use of “inner goddess”, “holy crap” and “Anastasia Steele”.
The lyrics to Who Put The Bomp (In-The-Bomp-A-Bomp-A-Bomp) are more finely crafted than the passages of Shades. There are Home Hardware catalogues more gripping and plugs of cold snot more arrestingly erotic. Also – and this is just a quibble but one that has given me a rash from all the head-scratching – why does Handsome Billionaire Christian Grey give Plucky Co-ed Anastasia Steele a fucking BlackBerry? She is clearly the sort of douche who’d prefer an iPhone.
Also, why does Salty Sadist Christian have “lips that quirk up in a smile” seventeen fucking times. Also, why is everyone cocking their head and smiling?
He smiles a dazzling, crooked smile, his head cocked slightly to one side. He cocks his head to one side, and I see a trace of a smile. He cocks his head to one side and gives me an artful smile.
Head-cocking and smiling. Are these supposed to be people or Labradors at Crufts?
Oh. And another thing. How does anyone become a young billionaire in the United States of America via onshore manufacturing and why does the Marvellous Master say something as flagrantly ignorant as in Chapter 10 (by which, might I add, they have done it JUST ONCE and NOT EVEN with restraints) “The Pinot Grigio here’s a decent wine, it will go well with the meal, whatever we get.” Now, I’m no fucking sommelier but I know for damn sure a fruity, dry Italian with notes of grapefruit is not doing ANY favours to red meat, game or fish with cream based sauce. Pinot Noir is a much better one-size fits most varietal. Jeez. Whoa. Holy Moly. Why the fuck didn’t she do some Wikipedia?
Apparently a moist nation-state of mamas was too busy furiously knocking the top off frustration to give half a shit for detail. Or sentences. Or a book that didn’t actually insult them by describing the taste of the hero’s cock as “my very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle.” THIS IS AN ACTUAL SENTENCE WRITTEN BY AN ACTUAL HUMAN WOMAN.
Oh. I should mention. As Christian Grey is Terribly Cultured, his favourite film is The Piano. For some reason, I found this uproariously funny. I just genuinely hope that no one tells Jane Campion as she seems like a nice lady and would probably be devastated by such unfortunate news.
It’s SO AWFUL. Actually, it’s almost seductively awful in that Showgirls way. It’s a rare example of Susan Sontag’s unintentional camp; the author is clearly unaware of the dazzling kitsch she’s produced. If you have a reading group who likes to laugh at stupid people doing clumsy things, it’s an indispensible artefact.
“You have such a captivating, sexy ass, Anastasia Steele,” says Billionaire BlackBerry Gift-Giver Christian Grey. Perhaps I will have the words “You have such a captivating, sexy ass, Anastasia Steele” tattooed on my captivating, sexy ass. And change my name to Anastasia Steele.
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Jiggles St Faire and Cockington Jizz-Bisning! I want to meet these people. Well, not meet them actually, rather watch them in some soul-less sexual youtubery.
No. No, Frank. You don’t!
Nice work, Lady! I shit you not, there are six women in my workplace reading these books and tittering conspiratorially about them in the lunch room every day. That alone made me wary. We like to call it ‘blood sport’ in our house, but ‘crime scene sex’ is far more appealing, and less likely to conjure mental images of Jean Claude Van Damme. Might borrow it if you don’t mind.
I am certain I am not the origin of this CSI-tinged simile! Freely use it. And I am sorry that you work with tools.
It’s called murder sex in my house.
This is one of the best reviews I’ve read in a long time. I was howling! Great work.
/Spicy
All credit is due to our muse, Missus James, for her experiments in vomit.
Congratulations, and a soggy toast to you: your hilarious babble made my weekend.
Indeed, indeed.
Thank you for your indulgence in reading, Jon. I simply had to rid myself of this demon.
What I don’t get is that Oprah’s no longer telling middle-aged women what they should read – so how are women knowing to read this trash?
It is beyond me. I have no answer.
Easy, other women on the internets tell them. Just like the ipod generation these people actually think that “READITREADITREADITREADITREADIT” means that it must be a decent book.
No one wants to admit to anyone else how fucking stupid they feel for succumbing to peer group pressure so they just do what they do best. Lie and pretend everything is ok!
Oh, thank fuck!!
Finally someone agrees with me. 50 Shades is spreading faster than herpes around my office at the moment and I thought I’d managed to avoid it. Until I got so tired of hearing everyone ramble on about how ‘hot’ it was that I gave in and borrowed a copy.
The first time I opened it I landed on that tampon moment. I knew, right then, that I had opened ‘mummy porn’ written by someone who had ABSOLUTELY no grasp of the meaning of the word erotic.
I made it through 3 full chapters last night, before I felt sick. I’d like to meet the woman who wrote this…shake her hand and congratulate her on her incredibly successful pile of shite!
To call James’ work shit is to discredit faeces.
This is pure class. Critical moments like these make my world a happy place. Nice work, Ms Raisin.
I do love unashamed honesty in a review. I’ve sent it far and wide, and the response from others is equally heart-warming!!
Jeez! Whoa. I am FLUSHING, Biodagar Grey.
Want to laugh even more? This abomination was originally written as a TWILIGHT fan fiction called Master of the Universe. That’s right! Edward was our handsome Dom whole Bella was his virginal prey.
…and it makes Twilight look like Thomas Hardy
…oh my…
Even as fanfic, this barely passes muster. Have you read this abomination, Jiggles?
Unfortunately, I have. I read the first half when it was being posted as the never ending Twilight fan fiction. By the time it ended I had completely lost interest and didn’t even bother looking at the “sequel”. The two parts of the fan fiction were broken up into the three books.
If you google “Master of the Universe” you can probably still find copies of the fan fiction floating around as well as a little discussion with another Twilight fan fiction author about her intent to pull and publish it.
The best part? James has a lock on her books so no one can make fanfiction from them!! I have no words.
I AM GOING TO IMMEDIATELY WRITE FANFIC!
Isn’t that simply the single most amazing thing ever? I have also heard she’s attempting to “cleanse” the internet of anything that might so much as intone that this poorly written “literary masterpiece” was once a bad Twilight fan fiction.
So Helen, don’t be surprised if you receive a request to delete this conversation
Actually, that’s not true. There are currently 79 Fifty Shades fanfic stories on fanfiction.net. It was a rumor that went around recently due to (ironically) plagiarism. Mind you, I’m not defending this piece of trash. Just like to keep facts straight. I will laugh my ass off if she ever bans it. The irony. The sad thing about those 79 stories? Only a few are parodies. The rest are “serious” fics.
Thanks Jennifer! However, I was enjoying the myth.
Helen:
Okay, how’s this for some dirt? I can tell you one really stupid thing the author has done (besides writing this book) that’s a fact. She searches out the Twitter accounts of people that say negative things about her books and then preemptively blocks them on Twitter even if they weren’t following her. Classy.
And in regards to your review (feel like I should say something about it since I’m here) I’m with you. I read the books as a favor to a friend and not once did I get turned on. In fact, not only did I not get turned on, I got turned off. VERY VERY off. I wanted to smack Ana’s inner goddess, report Christian to the police and send James to writing boot camp. Erotica should turn a reader on, not send people running for brain/eye bleach.
i must say, i am enjoying the reviews more than i did the books. it would be lovely if someone gathered them to publish for a book of it’s own. sex in the city ala 50 shades. i would pay 9.99 for that in a flash.
fabulous review, you are gifted at expressing the obvious and making me laugh at the same time.
i will watching you O_o
Quite so, credoroza! It’s a gift to reviewers of the quality provided by Sex and the City 2! The rage inspired in decent writers across the planet makes the existence of this feminine hygiene product worthwhile! Hey, thanks for reading. x
…. so…. did you come or what?
NO
I couldn’t even start the process
Thanks for the review. I’m a librarian in a public library and regret to say due to public demand we own 22 copies of this trash and at the moment there are 51 reserves on our copies. I was going to reserve it to have a look at it myself ( free resies for staff) but now won’t need to. If anyone I know and hold in esteem starts raving about it I will be really appalled. And probably have to end the friendship!
It’s for the best! Fight the good fight, LibraryGirl. Send them over to Anais Nin and Henry Miller. x
Indeed. I ordered Tropic Of Cancer and Tropic Of Capricorn in protest and I haven’t even soiled my brain with 50 Shades yet. I doubt I ever will. Just sounds awfully unappealing.
I’m also a public librarian, and I’m embarrassed to say our reservations far surpass yours. Let’s see … we are currently at … 636 holds for 96 copies. That’s not counting our eBook and Large Print formats. And at least 50% of the people requesting the books have NO CLUE what they are getting into … they just know EVERYONE is reading it!
This might be the best review I’ve read yet! I’m also surprised you haven’t been assaulted by the usual deluge of “OMG ur such a h8tr, ur just jealous!” by her sycophantic fangirls. It’s legitimately creepy how these grown women have appointed themselves the defender of all things “Icy” (her fan fiction penname was Snowqueens Icedragon). When it was still fan fic, they did things like threaten to rape and bomb Russia because a teen girl was translating it without the permission of her almightyness. Grown. Ass. Women.
Anyhoo, while I take NO issue for people who might enjoy the book for what it is: trashy pr0n, I do love to see an honest to goodness bad review for reasons that have nothing to do with the fact that it’s an ex-Twilight fan fiction. It seems as though people are waking up to the bullshit and realizing “hey, this is some absolute fucking tripe that I just wasted one hours worth of work, and a day of my life on”. I couldn’t get past the first few chapters back when it was serialized fan fiction (and I’ve read some BAD fan fiction).
Keep doing what you are doing and thanks for the much needed lulz. =)
Now I fear for my literary life! Will EL call in her flying bad-porn monkeys?!
I don’t think she had to “call” on them. They probably have a microchip implanted in their skin. She has appointed someone to alert the troops via microchip.
I wouldn’t be afraid. If anything, their transparency is amusing.
Whoa. So glad to find someone who thought all the same thoughts as me. The only thing I touched while reading was a Thesaurus, because I wanted to send it to the author. Jeez.
HAHAHAHAH x
Bahahaha, that comment is GOLD!
Unfortunately, I’ve read it. What bothered me the most was the repetition. I sometimes felt I was reading chapter 4 but there I was on chapter 8. How the hell did it make it through the editing process?? And the tampon scene…oh dear God. Great review. PMSL
YOu solidarity is appreciated, comrade in the fight against bad kink
You’re lucky. He only ‘gently pulls’ it in the “book”. In the original posting of the Twilight fan fiction, he yanked that sucker out and tossed it on the floor.
And no, I am NOT kidding…
Yeah, there’s also that scene where Ana/Bella talks about the growing baby in her belly moving around a lot and says “I think she likes sex already”
VOMIT VOMIT VOMIT VOMIT.
WHUT
Oh you read that right, Helen.
I believe this movement follows him whipping her pregnant belly, if I recall the quote correctly from the 50 Shades of Suck tumblr
BRB removing brain to soak it overnight in bleach
UGH
Helen Raisin, I salute you!
I am also a Librarian and we also have many copies with many more reservations on it. I am a third of the way through and waiting for something to happen, besides terrible prose, unreal scenarios and plain old clumsiness. Like Twilight before it, I am reading it to see what the fuss is about/part of my job. And so when I say I think it is terrible, I actually know I am correct! Like Twilight before it, I will not be partaking of a second volume.
I know some people who have read it and love it, luckily for me they are only acquaintances. And as a Librarian, I am always happy when people are reading, all I can hope is they finish these books and then ask me for something ‘similar’ and I can point them into the direction of something much better written and actually erotic! Give me Anais anyday.
You might also like to check out this link where Local ABC radio reported on the ‘book’: http://www.abc.net.au/local/stories/2012/07/03/3537931.htm?site=newcastle
A whole other side to it, previously unthought of!
Now I need to cleanse my palate with something, anything….
Many thanks!
So um, that anais erotica? It’s plenty awful…
Really? Delta of Venus? I havens read it since I was 16. AT least the woman knew her way around a sentence.
Love your work. I read the first book after it was mentioned a few times on twitter. It felt like reading a Mills and Boon by a virgin imagining BDSM. Now if you could just dissect and explain fanfic for me….
Fan fiction is where you take the characters from a work that you enjoy, be it a book, television show or movie, and put them into a different scenario. You can retell the story from a different perspective, like Twilight through Carlisle’s eyes. You can create a whole new world with them, like Twilight as all human with no vampires. The possibilities are only limited by the writers imagination. While some authors, such as Anne Rice, do not allow fan fictions of their work, many do and the communities can grow quite large. The Twilight fan fiction community is very large and Harry Potter is one of, if not the largest.
Fanfiction.net is the largest database of fan fiction. There you will find just about anything that piques your interest, from Twilight to Burn Notice to Pirates of Penzance.
The thing with fan fiction, however, is that you are using someone else’s characters. You are taking Edward Cullen and Bella Swan as Stephenie Meyer wrote them and putting them in different situations. Edward is still Edward, be he human or vampire. He’s still protective and territorial when it comes to Bella. He’s still got that wild bronze hair. He’s still the most beautiful man she’s ever seen. Bella still has her veil of brown hair and those deep chocolate eyes. She’s still clumsy and blushes easily. The characters in fan fiction always retain the traits that their creator gave them. In that regard, there is much less in the way of character development when writing fan fiction. There are exceptions, but the reason we read and write fan fiction is because we have a love of the characters, be they Edward, Bella, Harry Potter or Luke Skywalker.
If you look closely at Fifty Shades, you can probably see the parallels to Twilight, both in the characters and in the plot.
Why thank you kind sir! Does one know when this fanfic thing began? Was Harry Potter the jump off or comics?
I believe it was Star Trek.
Great review, Helen. Laughed and cried. Mainly cried.
Miss Bish, people have been messing with canons for centuries. One might say the Bard wrote fanfic in his re-telling of stories previously told. AFAIK, Miss C is correct as pinpointing Star Trek as the real origin of contemporary fanfic. ST also gave birth to the first erotic fanfic. The love between Kirk and Spock, stylised k/s, bore us “Slash”; that special brand of fanfic where two chaps go at it hammer and tongs.
Thanks Ms Raisin, I’ve just sent your review to a chum in the UK who has been keeping her fingernails short for the last week while she trawls optimistically through this drivel.
Tell her to get some nail extensions!
The collated reviews of this book as a work in itself is genius. I’d buy that. In fact, I’ll contribute the one by a facebook aquaintance whose own public review was along the lines of “I haven’t read a book since high school (fair enough, she is only mid-forties now..) but really enjoyed this novel (!!) for the story line. Couldn’t wait to see what happened next”.
And by “friend”, Felicity, we presume you mean “someone with whom I am forced to occasionally speak”!
Funny review. Thanks for reading it so I definitely don’t have to. However, you should not have left a quotable bit that could be put on future covers: “…it’s an indispensible artefact.”
I think I once dated Cockington Jizz-Bisning. He also thought Pinot Grigio went with everything. Great call – you can be my fucking sommelier anytime.
For the frustrated housewives out there who want an actual cracker of a story, head to Literotica and look up the training of Michelle (only a coincidence). Now THAT is something to rip your trousers off for and keep your nails short, although for a real slice of pain, nails make more sense. What’s more – it’s free!
This trite piece of rubbish clearly shows just how desperately frustrated and boring most women and men find their sex lives. Try a little dirty sex! It might solve your road rage whilst in your SUVS that have never had an offroad experience in their existence.
People, stop buying shit books like this one, buy some lube and few dongs and plugs and get into it for God’s sake!
im a virgin and i read the book but the sex scenes didnt get me hot, i found christian grey creepy as fuck, not sexy.
Seriously. 13 year old girls write better fanfics than most of this book
I was pointed towards this review by twitter(The power of the internet eh?)Just had to say you really voiced everything I was thinking. I have had the misfortune to read this drivel and the only way I could get through it was to imagine the wonderful George Takei saying ‘Oh my’ rather than the Anna character. There is a scene in an episode of ‘The Big Bang Theory’ (the irony of the title isn’t lost on me either!) Where George is sat in the back of the taxi cab and I swear it appears in the book.
That’s an excellent reading-survival mechanism, Gillian!
I remembered The Big Bang Theory while I was reading it too. She (“EL James”) ripped off a few of their jokes: ‘that would be coitus interrupt-us…’ etc and I couldn’t get over how many times the phrase ‘holy crap’ appeared. Great review, Miss Raisin.
I work at a bookstore (big chain one mind you) and women who clearly have never read a book in their lives, come in, demand the book or series, then slink out with a shit-eating grin on their face at how daring they’ve been for reading such a naughty-naughty book. Some girl told me the other day that I should get it for my girlfriend (I’m gay.. and even if I wasn’t, I’d have to break up with anyone that read and loved this garbage). I’ve had two of the female managers at my store try to read it and both are avid readers. Neither could finish it at all.
The best thing was a woman came in, said she LOVED Fifty Shades and wanted us to recommend other things like it. The only thing I could remotely think of was Laurel K. Hamilton’s series either Anita blake or Merry Gentry with all their over-blown sex scenes. Jacqueline Carey is trying to get ppl to recommend the Kushiel’s series, which has real BDSM, to people that love Fifty Shades but.. Kushiel’s Dart is over a thousand pages.. There is no way those airheads will read that.
Think of it this way… now writers have a reason to write better, non fanfic, pieces of literature that actually push those very important buttons… like literature should.
Okay, okay, I’m dense but I need someone to explain the names to me (Anastasia Steele/Christian Grey/Katherine Cavanagh). Is there a double entendre hidden there? I can’t see it!
(I could read the books and try and figure it out but… you know.)
-
Fifty Shades fanfic featuring Cockington Jizz-Bisning and Cans McNally. Someone needs to make this happen.
I think the comment was just about how PRETENTIOUS they were. Although the “steele” and “grey” is kind of terrible.
I guess they just felt very Old-Fashioned Romance Pulp Novel to me, Millvine. And the “Steele” of Anastasia is so reminiscent of Danielle Steel.
This is my most favourite ever!
Funnily enough, I have been adamant that I would not read these atrocities, right from the get go, but your review makes me want to read them, just so I can laugh at the awkwardness.
My dilemmma now, of course, being that I don’t want to put more money into her pocket.
I knew it was bad, but that line about the tampon… wow.
Sure, I read a lot of works that say “Geez” and “God” a few thousand times too many, but it’s my job, as an editor, to fix those works so others don’t have to suffer.
Where were HER editors?!
Thanks again for the review, I haven’t laughed so hard in a LONG time.
So glad to find out that I’m not alone. I thought I was the only one who had no desire to read this crap.
xxx
I enjoyed this review so much that I passed it on to the ladies I work with. Our office was filled with roaring laughter and snorty giggles.
This reviews was even praised by the only woman who had actually read (and enjoyed!) the book.
Excellent work. Loved it.
These weeks later, how are the masturbating ladies with whom you work?
OMG! This is definitely the best review I have read of this ridiculous book (I read 1 chapter and was thankful I hadn’t bought it. LAWD!)
Thanks, lady pants!
lol i died laughing at this gj sponsored lady i have found a new blog to follow 8D
in other news yes, 50 shades of grey is an atrocious accidentally camp piece of writing; that it began life as twilight wankfanfic makes it even funnier on a whole different level.
there is no spoon because i forgot what i was going to say next :>
x
I love you, that is all.
(for the record, I did try reading this godawful insult to the English language and our intelligence, but after skimming through the first encounter, I couldn’t bring myself to go on)
Loving Alison back
I received this book in pdf form from a friend so thank god I didn’t spend any money on it. I am completely shocked at my friends who have confessed their sex lives have picked up since reading this book. Has no one ever read Judith Krantz? Or the Anne Rice Sleeping Beauty/BDSM books (which were TOO spicy for me, I must admit; had to put them down).
Was at my local big box bookstore over the weekend and they had an endcap of erotica with 50 shades of crap prominently displayed. In contrast, my local library made a public announcement they wouldn’t carry the novels, as erotica was not something they put on the shelves. I secretly wondered if it was less a pearl clutching maneuver and more of a smart librarian not wanting that pap sullying the other books shelved nearby.
Let us hope the latter!
Awesomely hilarious and truthful review helen, have shared far and wide. Sped read first book after resisting for weeks and like u was shocked and appalled but not in a good way! And what’s with all the extra characters – the stepdad, the flatmates, the mum in Georgia? Are we supposed to give a crap? Kinkiest thing about it was the promise of the contract and all signing it might have entailed…. Language blunders aside, storywise this was a cheat. Love your work though, very entertaining!
Also all characters from Twilight. The difference with Twilight is that it does actually have a plot, even if it is also poorly written. Fifty Shades of Boredom would be a more accurate title.
As a so far amateur writer of spicy stories, the whole 50 Shades thing saddens me. There’s so much out there that’s delicious, naughty, exciting, and oh… LITERATE! You can have your wank and good sentence structure, too!
Thank you for this hilarious and amazing review.
I came to this post (no pun intended) thanks to Cecily Kellogg.
Full disclosure: I got halfway through the first book and had to quit because I just couldn’t take it. Thank you, thank you, thank you for making me laugh so hard. This review has made the time I spent reading it completely worthwhile.
THANK YOU.
Seriously. THANK YOU.
I read book 1 and cannot believe I did so. It’s horrific. The writing, the wording, the oh my and inner goddess crap.
So, I say again, THANK YOU.
At first I had very little desire to read this, and now, even less so. Thank you for the frank, honest, and absolutely hilarious review. I was having a bad day until I read this. I damn near pissed myself from laughing though. You are totally fierce. Much love!
I have read all three. I know people who have read all three and fou d them erotic. I skim read the whole lot including the sex scenes. They were gash. Her inner goddes needs putting out of her misery.
I haven’t read the books, and, thanks to you, I won’t have to. Yay!! But as a person who has seen and handled enough bondage rope to make the Empress of Ireland rise again, let me just post this as a warning to innocent adults: DO. NOT. USE. cable ties in bondage.
You got a lot further in the book than I did. After the 258th “quirked up” and the endless lip biting and grinning I trashed it endlessly on Twitter and then gave up. This is one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read and I hugged myself and grinned all the way to the end.
I saw EL James interviewed on some morning program and she said, “I’m a terrible writer.” It’s the only reason I didn’t leave Los Angeles and drive to her house in England and kill her.
Book piracy sucks! No book is just lying around on the web. I find your comments amusing, however you are a criminal. I wasn’t a huge fan of this novel. I really hated how she did such a poor job using American english and it was clear she’d never been to the northwest, but I need to speak out against book theft. Most authors are not ny best sellers. Downloading a book without payment is the same as walking into a store and putting it in your pocket, but too many people don’t understand this. Please don’t steal books again in the future. Everyone likes a good deal, but do try to find your next one legally. If you don’t want to buy a book check out the local library–most e-lend now. I’m not trying o be a bitch, just educate. When you buy a ebook it’s for your own use only. Yes, I know evil Amazon has that lending program, but authors have to opt-in and it’s one lend per purchase. When a book is offered on a file sharing site you are not doing the author any favors.
No, whats criminal is someone with more money and contacts than talent pushing shit like that and charging for it.
Im a Pirate. I admit it. I dont buy music unless ive downloaded and enjoyed it first. Why? Because if im stupid enough to pay $30 for a CD that i listen to and hate, thats still $30 out of my pocket that goes to the “artist” that produced that shit. (I remember distinctly 10 friends recommending i listen to Muse, and in the time it would have taken me to go to the store, buy it, listen to it, and snap the CD and Rue the lost $30, i had downloaded it, skimmed through every track, posted THIS IS SHIT on facebook, and deleted it entirely. And i was proud. Because Muse did not get my money or an album sale from me.
Havent read this book, but if i did, i would most certainly rip it off from somewhere first.
T Bailey, you need to get with the times and use some common sense. Why should we do any favours for a hack?
I think you may have missed the point.
Somehow I don’t feel bad for someone making 1.5 million dollars a week. (It’s probably more than that now.) If she were an up and coming writer with real talent being pirated? Sure. As it is, she’s making more PER WEEK than most people do in several YEARS.
This is the single greatest thing I’ve ever read. My eyes have been blessed. This review is more well-crafted than that literary brain fart ever could be.
“Anastasia MotherFucking Steele”
Now, if that was the actual name for the main character, I might consider reading it.
This article was faboo.
Maybe the Mayan calendar is right and this book with its huge following is a sign of the December apocalypse. Along with the heat.
Oh my! What an excellent review. Too funny!
I admit I actually read all 3 books twice. They were ok, though surly not pet the cat worthy! I go to Literotica for that!
Anyway I read all the bad reviews and just had to read the books for myself. I read them very publicly, on the bus, at my daughters swim lessons and no one would have ever known, Nothing like reading a sex scene with a straight face! I never even squeezed my legs together!
I might have gotten more worked up reading a romance novel purchased at my local drugstore!
Oh my gawd……WHOA…..Jeez. Reading Shades of Grey was worth it just to immerse myself in context for the eventual screeching and thigh slapping extravaganza I experienced during the reading of this article. This is an epic piss take. I recommend this as an official epilogue to the first book in this series. My favourite quote “The lyrics to Who Put The Bomp (In-The-Bomp-A-Bomp-A-Bomp) are more finely crafted than the passages of Shades. There are Home Hardware catalogues more gripping and plugs of cold snot more arrestingly erotic.”
Really enjoying the comments here so back for another visit.
Two things:
1. When I first heard the heroine’s(?) name being shortened to Ana, I thought: the author has obviously no awareness of the scary pro-anorexia enabling sites on the internets or the “pro-ana” weird and sick subculture.
2. At work yesterday a patron told me 50 shades was selling for $10 at Kmart and they had an entire display devoted to it. Klassy.
I mean, her name being shortened to Ana is one of the few things that doesn’t bother me about this book. Given that Ana was a name before pro-ana websites (which often used the shortened version as a sort of anthropomorphization of the disorder), it’s unfair to Anas the world around to go ‘WHO WOULD NAME SOMEONE THAT’. It’s a more common European spelling of the name, and since her name isn’t “Ana” either, it’s just a literal nickname.
If the character was herself an embodiment of anorexia, that might be another matter, but it seems like she’s much more a Bella Swan clone. (Ironically, Anastasia means “to rise again”, which would be a little more apropos if we were actually talking about vampires…)
I’ve seen this mentioned in a few places, along with the fact that another character has a similar name situation. (Mia being associated with bulimia)
Your review is fantastic. I have to agree, this book was a total showstopper for me, as well. What good is erotica if you’re too angry to get properly turned on?
I am ashamed to say that I did buy this book. After hearing friends rave about it I thought I’d give it a read & all I can say is I won’t be joining a book club with those women.
I didn’t make it as far as the tampon scene. I tried to keep reading it but the ‘down there’ references & the overall bad writing made it unbearable.
I don’t understand why this badly written book has received so much attention when there is so many other well written & enjoyable erotica books available
My wife and I figured out a way that this would make us hot. Take our clothes off in a warm room, get the book out, and burn it. And then, you know, jeez, how can I put it…whoa.
Brilliant review. Thank you. Yes, the book is utter shite – a given to anyone who has read more than twilight and the divinci code – but why is it continually getting publicity in mainstream media everywhere???! i had a sickie the other days and the ‘erotic novel igniting sex lives around the world’ was reviewed on 4 aussie morning shows, ellen, the view, plus given an ad spot on ACA. How does this shite get so much publicity and make over $20 million, yet quality authors writing pure genius continue to struggle. Stop the machine!
I love you. I was beginning to think that nobody noticed the horror that is the writing in this series. In the second book, I realized about 50 pages in that I could no longer cope with all the Holy Crap that is the writing.
Beautiful review.
This review made me cock my head and smile a crooked smile.
Nailed it. Spot on. Wish I’d written it. Better yet, I wish YOU’D written 50 SHADES OF CRAP, er, GREY.
All the mothers in my Facebook news feed are raving about this book – women I went to school with who never showed the slightest interest in reading back then. It’s for that reason, among others, that I felt this particular piece of fiction wasn’t for me. And then I read your review, and I decided that I’d like to see for myself just how bad it is. I can’t even get past the first sentence!
Whoa. Jeez. Holy Crap! I can’t believe you’re actually reading!
My facebook feed has been bombarded for at least a month with all the local “desperate housewives” raving about and drooling over this book. I asked a friend what it was all about and found the social networking ravings all the more amusing after finding out all these “soccer moms” had been gushing openly about a porno thinly veiled as a dark romance book. Intrigued, I downloaded it to my kindle one night and lost two hours of my life that I will never get back attempting to read this crap. I will say that finding this perfect review totally made the appalling experience worth it! And now, with the sudden boom of Magic Mike raves from these women on facebook, I’m more sure than ever that my friends list is comprised of women that really need to get laid.
Genius.
I was having a bad day until I read this. I damn near pissed myself from laughing though. You are totally fierce. Much love!
I was snickering so hard by the midpoint of your article that I choked on my coffee and spit it all over the computer.
From your review, the book sounds like a a 10th-rate Herman Melville “wanna-be” decided to have a literary love child with the authors of the Penthouse Forum, and succeeded only in creating a monumental failure in turgid prose.
Still, Erika Leonard is making money with this literary turd, so I suppose that says a lot about the general mental capacity of the public at large.
What I really don’t understand is why the ladies don’t just get onto the internet and look at some free porn at, say, Redtube. Some of those clips go for a good twenty minutes. And there’s lots to choose from. Why would you subject yourself to hours of painful sentence construction when you can blow one off while the washing machine finishes it’s spin cycle?
Rarely a more logical word offered to the Internet.
Ahhh was seriously concerned I had become too old grumpy for Erotica or alternatively become too much of a book snob when I couldn’t get past the first chapter of this crap. Thank you Helen! Give me an Anais Nin short story any day of the week – job done x
I love the serendipity of Internet! While bouncing around Facebook on my phone I came across your fantastic review and lay on the beach chuckling to myself, knowing that somewhere under the same sun someone was reading the book you have spared us from reading. Thank you! More copies sold than Harry Potter indeed!
Look, I grabbed a friend’s copy of this 50 Shades book and read a paragraph, the paragraph that included the sentence “He touched my sex”. That was enough for me. I thought that was the worst that book could get. You’ve included some other quotes here in your review – are you serious? Are they really lines from the book? “Whoa” “Jeez”…
When you open your facebook newsfeed to various jibbering about a book, and your first reaction on seeing the post is “I didn’t know she could read”, it’s never a good sign. I was honestly starting to despair of the human race until I stumbled across this review – thank you, x infinity for
a)Making me laugh so hard I spat tea over my computer screen.
b)reminding me that there are other people who aren’t COMPLETELY insane.
Best and funniest review I’ve ever read, it’s about time somebody gave this crap the slating it clearly deserves!